Cooperstown Crier - Your Source for Hometown News - Cooperstown, Baseball Hall of Fame

July 3, 2013

Trolling through the email inbox again

Cooperstown Crier

---- — We started this year by offering a variety of humorous items we had received via email. We had thought they would help pass the lengthy month of January. And now that we are half way through the year, we thought, in light of all the issues swirling around, it might be time to offer up some more items from our email inbox.

The explanation of service ...

I became confused when I heard the word “service” used with these agencies: Internal Revenue Service, U.S. Postal Service, telephone service, cable TV service, civil service, state, city, county and public service and customer service.

This is not what I thought service meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows. Bam! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us

Exercise for people over 60 ...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a five-pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

The necessity of family ties ...

A cowboy who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona and the other is in Colorado. When we all left our homes in Oklahoma, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that’s a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “it’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

What did that headline say? ...

“Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter,” “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says,” “Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.” “Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over,” “Miners Refuse to Work after Death,” “Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant,” “War Dims Hope for Peace,” “If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile,” “Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures,” “London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide,” “Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges,” “Man Struck By Lightning; Faces Battery Charge,” “New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group,” “Kids Make Nutritious Snacks,” “Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half,” “Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors” and “Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.”

Did I read that sign right? ...

In a public bathroom: Toilet out of order ... please use floor below.

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines ... please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines, etc ... Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – The bell doesn’t work.)

And finally, some bad words ...

“I don’t like four letter words .. .dust, iron, cook, mend, bake and diet.

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