Having written this column for years now, one would think we would be smarter than to say, as we did last, “... the column, from our perspective, will be able to plow ahead in 2014.”
We hasten to point out that assumption was made based on the fact that we would be overwhelmed with items to be included each and every week. And honestly, we should have known better as the very next week, when we got ourselves organized enough to proceed with this week’s column, we discovered we had exactly one thing to include in the column.
And this would be the fact that the next meeting of the Literary Discussion Group, sponsored by the Women’s Club of Cooperstown, will be held on Thursday, January 23 at 2:30 p.m. at the Village of Cooperstown Library. This month’s book is Arcadia by Loren Groff. The discussion will be lead by Mary Leary. The meeting is open to the public.
And while we are very happy to share what the Literary Discussion Group is reading this month, we tend not think we can expand such information to make an entire column of it. And thus we are forced to punt. We immediately checked out our backlog of unused material for the column. And we did find a number of interesting questions such as “When did tar paper become known as organic asphalt felt?” or “Why is there a recipe called no knead 100% whole wheat bread?” After all, if one didn’t need it, why would one go to the trouble of making it? And “Where exactly is the strategic oil reserve located?”
Unfortunately, all these topics left us colder than the weather did. So we moved on, looking for something when we remembered how very successful our sharing of humor from our inbox was last January. And just like that, we knew we were in business.
We start with reasons to get a dog...
“If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it’s not quite as good as his mother’s, then buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want, then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies, then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores, then buy a dog!
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually, then buy a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness . . . .then buy a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was going say...marry a man, didn’t you?”
And them we found some very interesting answers to questions posed to students about music...
“The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you’d better not try to sing.
I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
My favorite composer was Opus.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.”
And we found something we would want to avoid at all costs, childbirth at 65...
“With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked.
‘Not yet,’ she said. ‘I’ll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’
‘When he cries!’ she told me.
‘When he cries?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he cries?’
She replied, ‘Because I forgot where I put him.’”
And finally, we offer the following thought for the day ...
“Save the Earth; it’s the only planet with chocolate.”
PLEASE NOTE: Comments regarding this column may be made by mail at 105 Pioneer Street, Cooperstown, NY 13326, by telephone at 607-547-8124 or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org