Cooperstown Crier - Your Source for Hometown News - Cooperstown, Baseball Hall of Fame

January 31, 2013

And finally, the bottom of the barrel ...

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Cooperstown Crier

---- — Retirees … and why they like retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

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Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

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Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

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Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

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Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called “Seniors”?

Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

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Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

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Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

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Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

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Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

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Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never-ending coffee break.

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Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

And finally ...

Question: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday to Friday, Nothing. Saturday and Sunday, I rest!

The bathtub test …

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

A Riddle...

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it?

It’s a last name, of course.

Inner peace...

If you can start the day without caffeine; if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains; if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles; if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it; if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time; if you can take criticism and blame without resentment; if you can conquer tension without medical help; if you can relax without a glass of wine; and if you can sleep without the aid of drugs; then you are probably the family dog!

And now we close out our month of jokes with one of our most favorite form of humor, namely that ever popular play on words.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’”

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent 10 puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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