Cooperstown Crier - Your Source for Hometown News - Cooperstown, Baseball Hall of Fame

July 18, 2013

Some thoughts on aging ...

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Cooperstown Crier

---- — We conclude our trip through our inbox, with some ideas to ponder concerning our ever advancing age.

We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, really now, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually ‘believe’ the number I see on that dial? I would never let myself weigh that much! Just whom do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: They’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens pretty soon, everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Aids Warning ...

Senior citizens are the nation’s leading carriers of aids: Hearing aids, band aids, roll aids, walking aids, medical aids, government aids and, most of all, monetary aids to their children.

No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

Note: Although this has been around for a while given the fact that the costs mentioned have not been in effect for years. However, we think the concept might still be sound, that is assuming it ever was.

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. “I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. With just $5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could we ask for?

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And thus ends our mid year stroll through our inbox.

PLEASE NOTE: Comments regarding this column may be made by mail at 105 Pioneer Street, Cooperstown, NY 13326, by telephone at 607-547-8124 or by e-mail at cellsworth1@stny.rr.com