This week we continue with the results of our trolling through our email inbox.
Gems for the day ...
• A man without a woman is a bachelor.
A women without a man is a genius.
• Big surprise ... even my blood type is negative
• Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress.
• If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.
• I believe that everything happens for a reason. Usually the reason is that
somebody screwed up.
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
7. Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day
And finally, if you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin and keep away from children.
Crow Mystery Solved ...
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found more than 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2 percent were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The ornithological behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say “cah,” none could say “truck.”
• I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
• The old man didn’t like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
• Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
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